Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.
With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, “I was just whispering in her mouth”
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
You’re a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn’t even have the decency to have!
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.
Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn’t mean your friend, I meant the maid.
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
Women should be obscene, not heard.
Whatever it is, I’m against it.
Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.