I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’ He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost 3 days already.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this my livelihood.’
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “Break my arms.”
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.
I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.”
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.