I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost 3 days already.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’ He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this my livelihood.’
So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “Break my arms.”
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.
I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.”
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.