In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That’s right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
I’ve got a great cigar collection – it’s actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ’em.
There have been times in my life that I’ve had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I’m smoking $700 worth of cigars.
You can’t fix stupid.
I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.
Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy’s interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even.
I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.
People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It’s like anything else. It’s a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.
They call me Tater Salad.
The bulk of my fans are my age, and I’m aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it’s addicting, really.
I didn’t get where I am today by worryin about how I’d feel tomorrow.
I’m definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won’t. Then three years later I will finally try it and it’ll kill them. I got to give them more credit.
I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.
I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.
I don’t have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I’m going to keep talking. I can’t imagine a life without doing standup.
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.