Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.
I need a six month vacation twice a year.
People ask me if I could fly, I said, ‘yes... for a little while.’
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
I’m growing older, but not up.
If I’m not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
Life is what you make it: If you snooze, you lose; and if you snore, you lose more.
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
You can’t fix stupid.
Free your mind and your ass will follow.
Creativity is great-but not in accounting.
They don’t think it is like it is, but it is.
Be who you are, because if you aren’t who you are, you are who you aren’t.