If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
For your own safety, do not ever tell an astrophysicist, I hope all your stars are twinkling.
Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one. But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.
The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.
Of course I’m sane, when trees start talking to me, I don’t talk back.
Make love, not war. Unless you’re Loki, in which case: do what you want.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Learn to laugh at your problems, cause everybody else does.
As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?
There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.
Even the best weeks start with Monday.