Good-bye – if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs.
San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen.
Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting.
Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
Self-evident, adj. Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.
An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.
Impartial – unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
Convent – a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Alien – an American sovereign in his probationary state.
Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.
Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.