Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.
Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is – it is her shadow.
Wit – the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
Genealogy, n. An account of one’s descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.
Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
Abscond – to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
Duty – that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely, that he is a blockhead.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Prejudice – a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
When you doubt, abstain.
Forgetfulness – a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.