Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes.
Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
Achievement; the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Evolutionary biology is genuinely scientific, but more than that it opens the door to a world more marvellous than any Christian fundamentalist has ever read into the pages of the Bible.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.
April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Life – a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.