PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn.
SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman’s name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers – particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives.
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool’s name for the affection between a disability and a frost.
HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.
HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, “Homo ventrambulans”.
PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.
EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.
OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an “old man”. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an “old” book.
UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.
A man is known by the company he organizes.
FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.
REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.