Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
To seek a justification for a decision already made.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes.
Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
Achievement; the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Evolutionary biology is genuinely scientific, but more than that it opens the door to a world more marvellous than any Christian fundamentalist has ever read into the pages of the Bible.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.
April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.