Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said ‘Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.’
Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third.
Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.
President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates.
First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.
California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.
North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to ‘Gangnam Style.’
Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.
Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she’d like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she’d like to recall where she left her teeth.
President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as ‘Person of the Year’ by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine.
The other day John McCain appeared on the show ‘The View,’ and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, ‘Ladies, you look beautiful.’
The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.
In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called ‘GI Joe Millionaire.’
On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.
California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California’s governor’s race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.
This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it’s going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama’s not black enough!
The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.
President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.
Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.