Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you’re keeping score, that’s basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.
I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, ‘Looking good, Un.’
Prince William’s pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, ‘Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.’
Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.
The Olive Garden is bringing back its ‘Pasta Pass,’ which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.
The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.
Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID surprise his wife for Valentines Day.
Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.
Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen.
According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers.
Macy’s has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men’s wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.
After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place!
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.
At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, ‘Usually when I pay a person to like me, it’s my wife.’
After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump’s hair has a new show on Animal Planet.
People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
Earlier this week – this is crazy – the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.
Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.
They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick’s Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.