Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab.
That’s here on CBS, where the ‘C’ stands for ‘Classy’ and the ‘BS’ speaks for itself.
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch – or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona.
I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.’
BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, ‘No one wants this thing over more than I do. I’d like my life back.’ Tony, I’m so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I’d buy you a drink, but you’d probably spill that too and make me clean it up.
Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’
Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.
Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.
Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.
I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’
I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.
Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’
HD doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s a technical thing. It’s like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
Don’t ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don’t want to be one.
It’s very interesting to know what people are doing while you’re working on late-night television.
I don’t see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
I’m not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.