Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.
Whoever I had become had to die.
Great, as long as you’re happy.
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
The rain is giving much needed relief to California’s crops. By that I mean ‘marijuana.’
The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Halloween’s eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That’s great, just what teenagers need – another excuse to be jerks.
I’ve been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can’t run. That was a revelation.
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it’s faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up – that stuff is very similar.
I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.
I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.