The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
I don’t just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they’re naughty.
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that’s on CBS and there’s been a lot of cutbacks, so it’s just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don’t have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it’s a start!
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.
Personally, I hope he doesn’t get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don’t want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That’s wrong. That type of political pandering isn’t meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It’s meant for the Supreme Court.
It’s fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space ‘the Bruce Jenner effect.’
For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It’s great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you’re in line for the congressional bathroom.
Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn’t make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on ‘American Idol.’
Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they’re straight. It’s over!
CBS announced they’re canceling As The World Turns. Don’t worry though, if you’re addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf.
Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can’t-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He’s leaving.
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.