When in doubt about who’s to blame. Blame the English.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn’t.
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know.
114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
By the power of Steven Wright’s Beard!
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
You know who they’re blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
There’s a commercial break coming and I’m very excited about it and you know why? Because that’s what keeps daddy in suits.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
I don’t just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they’re naughty.
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that’s on CBS and there’s been a lot of cutbacks, so it’s just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don’t have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it’s a start!
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.