When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don’t stop, I’m going to die.
When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.
The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job.
Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.
The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba – this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.
The ‘Star Wars’ movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they’re not Sony.
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they’re going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
I wanted to be a rock star.
Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the vulnerable.
In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.
The Universe is very, very big.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
You know, your whole life you’re concerned about money for this and that. And then you don’t have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm – I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.