The rain is giving much needed relief to California’s crops. By that I mean ‘marijuana.’
The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Halloween’s eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That’s great, just what teenagers need – another excuse to be jerks.
I’ve been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can’t run. That was a revelation.
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it’s faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up – that stuff is very similar.
I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.
I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don’t stop, I’m going to die.
When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.
The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job.
Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.
The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba – this as we’re awkwardizing relations with Russia.
The ‘Star Wars’ movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they’re not Sony.
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they’re going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
I wanted to be a rock star.