It’s hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can’t find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you’re done and you’re just glowing and you’re staring at yourself.
I get so into the moment.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn’t be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
I’m willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it’s a little thing called Chupacabra.
I’m focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I’m one of the first people there.
I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You’d be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That’s a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I’d be able to follow the story.
I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
What happens in Vegas, I’m telling everyone.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they’ll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they’ll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: “Hey, perfect.”
Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don’t feel a thing when you know you can still win.
You can’t teach an old hater new truths.
I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.
I don’t laugh out loud at comics a lot.
A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I’m going to go out there and shake hands.
I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
Created a word game to play with a person you’re fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That’s when guys get all TBS around you because we think it’s very funny.