Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
There was a girl I loved in high school – but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I’m an entirely different person.
When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people – how they act and such.
Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
Let’s talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t go so great and I call that a relationshit!
If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night – and be your own self.
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
You have to realize, when you’re a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody’s personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.
We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you’re headed for a breakthrough moment, it’s kind of scary because you say, ‘If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.’
It’s hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can’t find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.