All the time I’m not writing I feel like a criminal. It’s horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It’s much more relaxing to actually write.
I prefer dead writers because you don’t run into them at parties.
I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
Things that people will say to me, mostly, is that you shouldn’t have all these books. It’s too expensive.
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.
I’ve never seen the Kardashians; I’m not sure who they are. But I know a lot about them because it’s impossible not to.
Smoking is, as far as I’m concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
I have a double policy, which would also solve immigration: I would stand at the border of New York City and I would say, “You can come here to live, but you can’t come here to visit.”
Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.
A salad is not a meal, it is a style.
The thing you love right away, don’t do it, because that’s the very thing that’s going to be your addiction for the rest of your life.
While it is undeniably true that people love a surprise, it is equally true that they are seldom pleased to suddenly and without warning happen upon a series of prunes in what they took to be a normal loin of pork.
When I fly, I’m never afraid the plane is going to crash. But there have often been times when I was afraid it wouldn’t crash. I was just afraid it was going to circle O’Hare for the rest of my life.
I hate all jobs. I’ve never had a job I liked.
People who are well-known, famous people, I think, make very poor characters for fiction. They make good characters for gossip columns. But not for fiction.
Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.
There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter.
Do not elicit your child’s political opinions. He doesn’t know any more than you do.