If the grass is greener in the other fellow’s yard- let him worry about cutting it.
It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn’t have to face an issue.
There are two kinds of jokes – funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
I don’t want to own anything that won’t fit into my coffin.
I’m going to Boston to see my doctor. He’s a very sick man.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
Hollywood is a great place if you’re an orange.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
All I know about humor is that I don’t know anything about it.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.