It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn’t have to face an issue.
There are two kinds of jokes – funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
I don’t want to own anything that won’t fit into my coffin.
I’m going to Boston to see my doctor. He’s a very sick man.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
Hollywood is a great place if you’re an orange.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
All I know about humor is that I don’t know anything about it.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.