Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat’s navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.
Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
I’m a little hoarse tonight. I’ve been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don’t see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow’s yard- let him worry about cutting it.