I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.
I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.
I’m used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they’re a good sport.
Unfortunately, I’ve never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.
There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.
Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world – they’re gone.
I’ve never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
I’m one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I’m watching.
I’m a very anti-vacation person. Because I’m always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don’t have to get on a plane.
I’d make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.
I’d like to have a kid, but I’d probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I’d totally screw up like that.
I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.
I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.
I just don’t accept midgets as human beings. There’s only so much political correctness I can accept.
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
You never know what people will choose to be offended by.
I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.