With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.
My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.
I always feel that most political jokes, if you’re going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they’re outdated. By the time you’ve got it to the point that it’s strong, it would be 12 years old.
Nothing can help my comedy.
I’m eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words – they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, ‘Who’s idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?’
I’ve never understood people who say they’re not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he’s not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?
I’m terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I’m not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it’s time to go to sleep.
If you’re a lead actor, people are just waiting to say ‘you’re too old’ or ‘you’re too unhip.’ If you’re a supporting actor, you can just work forever.
Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, ‘Ouch.’ One day I’d like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.
There are times when I’ve had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, ‘Wow, that would never work,’ even before I did it in front of the audience.
I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he’s working more.
The ‘Phoenix Sun’ did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He’s a terrorist, hasn’t bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.
Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.
Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I’d imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, ‘What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.’
In real life I’m a tall, blond Christian.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I’ve got bad news, you’ve got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don’t have cancer.
R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher.