I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.
I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
I’m known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.
Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn’t have the best eye for detail – and, for a Jew, he doesn’t have the best eye for retail, either.
I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.
There are certain things I don’t want to joke about. If it’s about somebody else, it’s fine. If it’s about me, I think it’s totally insensitive!
If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I’d go, ‘Well, war isn’t that terrible.’
A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’
I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there’s going to be a dinner.
I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.
I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.