Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheros.
Say what you want about the deaf...
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a “proper” present. “Happy birthday, mum!”
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him “They’re like buses.” He said “What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.” I said “No, they are like buses!”
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn’t see any humour in my life at all.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
I don’t think young people should have bottoms, they’re too young for that sort of thing.
I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.
It’s so clear cut with a comedian – you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don’t. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
There’s things that I couldn’t joke about but other people could.
You go, well you can’t joke about race. Well if you’re from a different race and that’s your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can’t talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
Like most of the world’s population I’m into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and ‘manned up’ in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I’m not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.