All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I’m no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that’s partly down to confidence.
I don’t see myself as offending people.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”
I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, ‘The property ladder is now a snake’ and get a real laugh.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you – I am trying to make you laugh.
I didn’t plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it’s juvenile, but that’s me.
Even if you’re doing the national insurance awards, there’s still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog’s just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.
My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.