I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, “why not”? I said, you look fat.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
I, of course, don’t have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident.
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I’d stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
How many airports are there in the world?
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes – anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.