The worst thing you can do to a man is to tell him he can have what he wants.
A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditchdigging. It is the insanest of all recreations. The inventor of it overlooked no detail that could furnish weariness, distress, harassment, and acute and long-sustained misery of mind and body.
I prefer milk because I am a Prohibitionist, but I do not go to it for inspiration.
Thanksgiving Day – Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys, they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji.
Adam did not want the apple for the apple’s sake; he wanted it because it was forbidden.
Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself.
There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous.
You need not expect to get your book right the first time.
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
Perhaps it will be simplest to throw away the tags and generalize India with one all-comprehensive name, as the Land of Wonders.
The catfish is Plenty good enough fish for anyone.
When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself.
The only people that a bank will loan money to is the very people who don’t need it.
Don’t go to sleep, so many people die there.
Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than a shovel.
It were not best that we should all think alike.
A German joke is no laughing matter.
To stand still is to fall behind.
Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.
Mine was a trained Presbyterian conscience and knew but the one duty – to hunt and harry its slave upon all pretexts and on all occasions, particularly when there was no sense nor reason in it.