One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.
Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.
The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.
Work is a form of nervousness.
There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.
You want to go easy on the suicide stuff – first thing you know, you’ll ruin your health.
I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life’s sensational pleasures.
There is probably no moment more appalling than that in which the tongue comes suddenly upon the ragged edge of a space from which the old familiar filling has disappeared.
Even nowadays a man can’t step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.
I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.
Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That’s what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.
If Mr. Einstein doesn’t like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man’s taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.
I don’t trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.