I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?