The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you.
They’re not vegetarians because they love cows and pigs, it’s because they love attention.
If you want to know where someone is at physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually, look at where they’re living.
Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn’t officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.
They turn to people who failed out of junior college to tell them they can cure their cancer with purified water and good vibes.
I don’t know why I seem to be the only one who understands that when the government provides something for free – whether it’s food, housing, or health care – there is a human cost.
We’re a morbidly obese rainbow.
We have brains and we have books.
Don’t do your best, do my best.
Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.