Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn’t officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.
They turn to people who failed out of junior college to tell them they can cure their cancer with purified water and good vibes.
I don’t know why I seem to be the only one who understands that when the government provides something for free – whether it’s food, housing, or health care – there is a human cost.
We’re a morbidly obese rainbow.
We have brains and we have books.
Don’t do your best, do my best.
Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.
I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.