I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ’tardiest of the ’tards like the thick crust.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
I know everything because I know nothing.
People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.
Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the ‘Every vote counts.’