Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
I’m a comedian, not a politician.
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
I’d never hurt another person.
I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.