No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
When you’re doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’