Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.
It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
I’ve got a great eye for color. I’m like a chick.
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.
I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.
He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.
Welfare is monetary methadone.
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It’s a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.