Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.
Welfare is monetary methadone.
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It’s a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
When you’re doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.