Laughter – an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features, and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious, and though intermittent, incurable.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
Insurance – an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper – the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.
MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
Scriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
To the eye of failure success is an accident.