COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.
We must stop chasing dollars, stop lying, stop cheating, stop ignoring art, literature, and all the refining agencies and instrumentalities of civilization.
Platitude: All that is mortal of a departed truth.
NOBLEMAN, n. Nature’s provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life.
The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature.
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
LAST, n. A shoemaker’s implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.
Houseless: Having paid all taxes on household goods.
PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.
THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science.
YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown.
Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.
REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.
MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.