Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
The world is full of horrible things...
I’m trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don’t know how to surf.
People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit; it’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re going to be a jerk but if people think you’re a nice guy then it’s tough because it’s what they expect.
Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
I’m actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, “Here’s what I would say. Here’s what I would do if I got up there.” It drives me crazy.
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren’t hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they’re excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
I’m getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period. And she’s already 14.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin’s fault.
Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn’t do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.