I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they’re looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.
I don’t have a type, really. But I’ve always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.
I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one’s gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.
Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.
I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet.
If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I’ll go laptop.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can’t even enjoy it.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place.