I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they’ll never meet their grandmother.
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I’d prefer it to be aborted.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
That’s the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person’s blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.
It’s impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.