I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.
I love your personality,” I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank teller at Wells Fargo had threatened to put a ten-day hold on a check from my father because my average balance was $3.56.
In fact, we’d discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.
She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over – unless you’re coming directly from from a crime scene.
My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn’t the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.
My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder.
It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.
Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.
How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?
I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.
She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls.
If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would’ve told him I was into cannibalism.
Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.