People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I’m a heavy drinker. I don’t want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out – why not just wait until you’re crowning?
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I’ve started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it’s very motivating to continue to do it.
No one tells me what to do – in any capacity.
It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself.
I’m a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer – no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be – and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.
I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.
I have more respect for somebody who’s like, ‘Yeah I like to party, so screw off,’ then for Tara, who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop – two days later.
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there’s nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there’s a Mexican.
I try to not overthink anything. I don’t understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can’t show them?
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won’t put out.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.