My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don’t have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
I would never sell my dog for a man. I’d sell the man.
There’s a reason you never see anyone’s house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they’re not even worth mentioning.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
First of all, who cares if people hate you? There’s always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There’s never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you’ve already won.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a ‘party favor’ – always fun to be around but she doesn’t have any patience for suffering unless it’s her own.
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.
I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
My father has a high opinion of his opinion.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl.