Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a ‘party favor’ – always fun to be around but she doesn’t have any patience for suffering unless it’s her own.
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.
I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
My father has a high opinion of his opinion.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl.
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris – sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.
Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about – what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
I don’t know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.