He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O’Reilly Factor defending President’s Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn’t the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
Having a baby, it’s like a five year commitment.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn’t be a problem.
My life and my legs have been an open book.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I’m retarded.
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don’t care about it. You can’t get pregnant anally anyway.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you’re in the right, you’re in the wrong.
If you can’t trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.
I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.