I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris – sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.
Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about – what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
I don’t know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house – obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
You don’t give something away because it’s fat. You take it and you look at it.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing – a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin – no thank you. My family’s very close; I can do that at home.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away – I don’t think so.
I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I – R2D2? I don’t know what to do with that.
You get photographed together when there’s 25 people with you and people assume that you’re having sex, which is definitely not the case.