Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house – obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
You don’t give something away because it’s fat. You take it and you look at it.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing – a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin – no thank you. My family’s very close; I can do that at home.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away – I don’t think so.
I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I – R2D2? I don’t know what to do with that.
You get photographed together when there’s 25 people with you and people assume that you’re having sex, which is definitely not the case.
It’s good that people don’t like you. That’s good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn’t a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
I’m not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I’m never on top.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Who’s the president on the $100 bill? I don’t know. I don’t need to know because I don’t use cash. I only use travelers checks.
When I don’t know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won’t anyone date me?
It’s hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don’t know if they’re gay, if they’re straight, or Bruce Jenner.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.