In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics – I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life.
They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
I understand that if you’re a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle.
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl’s best friend 5 days out of the month?
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn’t take them long to impregnate women.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.
It’s hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that’s an exclamation point.
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.
I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
Women don’t have to be jealous of other women.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.