If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me – at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you’re a stand-up comedian so they’re always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look ’more together.
I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don’t have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
I would never sell my dog for a man. I’d sell the man.
There’s a reason you never see anyone’s house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they’re not even worth mentioning.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
First of all, who cares if people hate you? There’s always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There’s never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you’ve already won.