It’s good that people don’t like you. That’s good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn’t a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
I’m not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I’m never on top.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Who’s the president on the $100 bill? I don’t know. I don’t need to know because I don’t use cash. I only use travelers checks.
When I don’t know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won’t anyone date me?
It’s hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don’t know if they’re gay, if they’re straight, or Bruce Jenner.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who’d gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George’s house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield’s island for a radio opportunity.
Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy – she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious – Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere – his car drove itself.
I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.