There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
Mexico’s a great place to overcome a drug addiction.
I think it’s important to be involved with charities that don’t necessarily reflect what you’re dealing with in your life.
I can’t be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.
But then, like George Michael in a men’s bathroom, I got cocky.
That’s Al Qaeda’s new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
There’s tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they’ll give you 15, 000 different options to get involved with cancer. It’s very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time.
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding.
If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me – at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you’re a stand-up comedian so they’re always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
Ivory’s the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it’s because it makes me look ’more together.
I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.