My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn’t the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.
My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder.
It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.
Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.
How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?
I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.
She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel balls.
If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would’ve told him I was into cannibalism.
Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.
A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I’ve run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, Oh, I love your show. And I’m like, You can’t love my show if you can hear.
My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
A lot of amazing comedians that I’ve worked with just really follow their instincts and you can’t really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
I like to laugh. It’s kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything.