If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don’t care about it. You can’t get pregnant anally anyway.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you’re in the right, you’re in the wrong.
If you can’t trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.
I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics – I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life.
They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
I understand that if you’re a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle.
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl’s best friend 5 days out of the month?
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn’t take them long to impregnate women.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.