I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.
Kennedy didn’t beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says “gun”? Congressional hearing.
Tomorrow is more sure than just about anything else in the entire world.
Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.
They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.
Karaoke isn’t fair when you’re a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I’m a professional funny guy.
The only plan I have is to not do anything I don’t want to do – and to never work just for money.
I do what I can do when I can do it.
My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it’s the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.
Dude, I didn’t say Jude Law can’t act. I didn’t say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he’s in every movie.
When I do stand-up, I’m basically doing a one-man show.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I’m famous.
Everything’s funny – in the right context and done by the right person.
I was at Michael Jackson’s house, and this kid runs out, ‘Wait, save me!’
Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you’re at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
I try to stay with it and I try to stay in contact with comedians and just keep comedians in my life ’cause comedians are their own species. If you get away from them, especially as a comedian, I think it’s dangerous.
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn’t pay for the electricity, he’d pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.